Parent to Parent
This new feature in PRAXIS presents challenging questions about raising children and adolescents, with practical, faithful responses from experienced parents. — E. B.
Q: “Church is so boring. Do I have to go?”
A: BUILD A SOLID FAMILY FOUNDATION
I don’t have scientific evidence, but things are different today with our kids. Back in the day, parents would tell children to do something and it was done. No questions asked. We can’t blame it solely on TV shows, movies or video games, but it sure seems that obedience is passé. It is much harder to keep our children engaged in what we as parents believe are important steps in their development.
Church is a perfect example of this change. The standard question from our children today is “Church is so boring. Do I have to go?” It might be hard for us to imagine that it is boring because we experience the tradition and richness of the Divine Liturgy, which fills all our senses. Bur it does seem that many children don’t seem to connect. Other religious groups have altered their worship formats by bringing in rock music, PowerPoint presentations on huge screens, theatric productions and other kid-friendly media during the service. Thankfully the Orthodox Faith has not gone this route.
So how do we reach these children?
Several years ago a mother shared her story with me. She had been taking her son, Alex, to church since he was a baby. She brought only religious books for him to look at during the long service. When Alex turned four, she allowed him to draw, but only what he was seeing in the church. She kept many pictures of his stick-figure interpretations of the icons, the chanters and even the priest giving communion. But a crucial element was missing: one Sunday when Alex was five years old, he asked, “But Dad, why don’t you come to church with us?”
“Oh,” the father said, “Sunday is my day of rest.” Alex put his feet up and said, “OK, me too.” Now the dad quickly went to change his clothes and said, “OK, my rest day is now Saturday. Let's go to church.”
So my first thought is that coming to church needs to start at an early age and be part of life for the entire family. Parents need to share love and joy with their children and with each other. I've seen many parents drop their children off at Sunday school and return after a visit to Starbucks. And I am saddened during Easter when families come to church but the kids feel they are out of place, not knowing what is going on. As the children grow up and become familiar with our Faith, it will no longer feel boring to them.
Secondly, parents should build a sense of church community for their children. Set up Saturday sleepovers and make going to church on Sunday morning a part of the “fun time” together, or go out after church or to brunch at someone's home.
It is very difficult to compete with the Sunday athletic events in which our children participate. I recall many a swim meet when my children were changing clothes in the car to make it to church on time. It takes effort and planning, but Sunday mornings need to be reserved for church.
Lastly, I would suggest that if you don’t have extended family nearby, that you “adopt” a Yiayia or Papou for your children. Our older generation has so much to offer our children, and both generations will look forward each Sunday to seeing one another. Grandparents can be loving role models who reinforce the messages of our Faith.
As parents there is only so much we can do while our children grow into young adults. Each person must find his or her own journey and relationship with Christ, but it is up to us as parents to build a solid foundation that will stand the test of time. While the kids are young, listen carefully when they complain about boredom so that you can help discover what coming to Church can mean to them.
A. START EARLY AND REACH OUT
The “boring” problem happens to every parent at one time or another, so it is good to have a plan and maybe even preempt the problem. If your children are small, start now and do what you can to nip this common complaint in the bud. As early as possible, start instilling the desire for church life. Although you can never impose your own desire on someone else, your children will never be interested if they are not exposed regularly. “Orthodoxy is caught, not taught.” Create that exposure when they are young and most open-minded.
Closely related to this is the example of a parent’s own attendance. Parents are children’s first and most significant role models. If you are engaged with your parish and happy about being in church, your children will reflect that attitude. If your children sense hypocrisy, don’t expect them to value church any more than you do yourself.
For the benefit of the whole family, strengthen your church habit and help it to grow by being an involved parent. Introduce yourself and network with other parents and their families to build bonds within the parish community. Perhaps invite another family with children over for lunch after church. If the parish needs help with a project, participate! Besides being an example of serving the community and forging new relationships, this can strengthen your own spiritual involvement. Lord willing, this will have a trickle-down effect on your family.
Make it possible for your kids to participate in their diocese camp. The camp experience takes us out of our own little worlds and opens the door for new and deeper friendships—plus it is a lot of fun! The connections with other kids and counselors help keep the enthusiasm going. Related to this, be supportive financially of the camp program and fund-raising events. The price tag can be scary to most kids, who have no real income, and it may cause them to dismiss the possibility of attending camp from the start.
Talk with the youth leaders of your parish to find out what activities are coming up each year. Kids don’t often think to relay that information. Enroll your children in Sunday school and HOPE, JOY or GOYA. Share your excitement. Don't apologize with words like, “I know you don’t like it, but you have to go.” (And if the program really does need fresh energy, offer your help in making it more exciting.) Arrange transportation for your kids and other children so they may participate. When your children become teens, the social groups that your children are part of become very important to them. If you can pave the way for strong friendships within the church at a young age, you are providing better support for them in the later and more turbulent teen years—and even after they begin leaving home.
Talk to your priest to see how your son (and daughter) can help with the services. In addition to being altar boys, children can participate in various ways, such as serving antidoron, collecting offering, holding the communion cloth, working at the candle stand, being a greeter, preparing the church for feasts and singing in the choir. Adults often perform these functions, but with supervision and instruction, children delight in becoming active members of the body of Christ. Cultivate the next generation’s interest by inviting and happily including them in these tasks.
To provide balance and dimension to our service and relationships, we should broaden our church involvement in a variety of settings. When kids get older, allow them to participate in mission trips, GOYA and JOY activities; visit other Orthodox parishes; commit to service projects; and participate in “nonreligious” outings or gatherings. Be on the lookout for ways to change it up and keep variety in your spiritual life and church routine. Taking our church life outside of church not only prevents boredom, but also helps us grow into the rich and multidimensional individuals He made us to be.
Ensuring that our children grow up with a healthy love of and desire for church life is the dream of many parents. Nurturing those seeds of interest does require extra effort. Remember that your efforts in getting to church and modeling what you desire for your children are part of the prayer and sacrament that you offer in honoring our Lord.